Let's get married. You and me? Whaddya say? I know we haven't met yet, but bear with me. Hear me out first. I mean really, We're not getting any younger. You're not getting any younger. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Your biological hourglass is running out of sand and your ovaries are drying up quicker than a Rocky Mountain oyster in the desert sun. So what are you waiting for? If you can't find the best, then it's time to settle for one of the rest.

Just think of the money we'll save on housing! Rent is so damn expensive. Why are we throwing our money away and not gaining any equity? If we shack up we can split the cost and expand the shack. Say goodbye to those bad roommates that you found on Craigslist, who never washed a dish, lifted the lid, or whose pet chinchilla ate all the houseplants and peed all over your cashmere sweater. I mean, what's the point of sharing a home with someone, let alone a complete stranger, if you're not cooking dinner for each other, rubbing the corns of each others feet after long day, and having so much sex that you dread the idea of having sex with each other? Am I right? Ladies, am I right? (some help here please, people!)

I'm unemployed right now but don't worry, I won't need to rely on your income for very long. I applied at Starbucks and I have a good feeling about my potential career as a barista (although, I am worried I didn't pass their Meyers-Briggs test). Should my unemployment run out, I will augment our family income and work from home (so I can raise our six children) by selling my baseball and basketball card collections on Ebay.

In today's economy and with the housing market in the dumps, with our eventual dual incomes we'll finally be able to afford that dream loft in the city that you've always wanted. It has plenty of room for your parents and sisters if they want to come and visit (you'd be okay with one or more of your sisters sleeping in our bed with us, right?). The bathrooms come with designer elements such as marble & limestone and my favorite part, because I love to cook, most of these places come fully equipped with top of the line kitchens; sub zero fridge & stainless steel appliances! My chocolate dining room table and teal (with chocolate accents) dinnerware set would look so deliciously inviting in this welcoming, family home of ours, built on the foundations of the deepest love and soul-crushing, life compromise.

I promise to cook for you at least three or four times a week and I'm willing to put that in a contract (as long as we also put in the contract that we engage in 'sexual relations' as many times per week as well). However, we should probably find a place a little more affordable. I suggest that we consider moving further out, where our future kids can enjoy the pleasures of playing in the backyard and making each other eat worms, while learning from the older neighborhood kids all about crystal meth and huffing paint. I admit it makes tremendous financial sense but I was just trying to give you everything you've ever wanted in life, a fabulous husband, a beautiful home in the city, the perfect marriage. Can you blame a guy for trying?

Another reason we should get married is that we can begin organizing our wedding registry. Just think of it: a whole new set of kitchen appliances and living room décor! Think of the possibilities...Target, Macy's, Williams-Somona! And if you love Crate and Barrel as much as I do, you know that nothing says happy marriage more than having the correct glasses for red and white wine. And when we have an evening to ourselves, you can drink your wine straight out of the box, with one of the crazy straws that I bought for the kids.

Think about it for awhile. Mull it over and get back to me. I'm willing to get you a decent ring from the pawn shop and I'll take you somewhere tropical, like Olive Garden, for our honeymoon. I'm more romantic than most guys so trust me when I say you're getting a good deal. I may not look like Brad Pitt, but what I lack in looks I will more than make up for in embarrassing moments with the in-laws. Get back to me when you can and let me know what you think. I may not be Mr. right, but I am Mr. right now. We're practically a team now, you and me. One for all and all for one, right? Family first!